Jebus Conquers the Ruskies!
Posted by: johnmkeller on: Thu 19, 2009
Taken a few days back somewhere over Russia.
It looks more like a giant glowing telephone poll in the sky than a crucifix, but what do I know, I’m not the Pope.
Yet.
On a side note, anyone else find it hilarious that Bill couldn’t stick to his own rules for even a week? Fucking hippo-crite.
NY Times, In Touch With The Common Man
Posted by: johnmkeller on: Wed 11, 2009
Some badass guerrilla artwork.
The New York Times has show once again their concern for the common man by posting this fantastic titled “You Try To Live On $500k In This Town” about those poor souls who had their salaries capped by Obama.
Did you know you can’t afford a private jet for less than $800k a year?
PRIVATE school: $32,000 a year per student.
Mortgage: $96,000 a year.
Co-op maintenance fee: $96,000 a year.
Nanny: $45,000 a year.
We are already at $269,000, and we haven’t even gotten to taxes yet.
Ho-ly fuck. Bastards!
Personally, I won’t travel anywhere without a golden litter and at least three rotations of six bearers. When I fly, I need a full entourage of fully armed F15’s piloted by mercenaries, err fuck, “private contractors” carrying stolen Russian uranium tipped bullets.
Stimulating the economy, and creating jobs. One step at a time.
Hey Bill
Posted by: johnmkeller on: Fri 6, 2009
Fuck you. That’s my post for the week.
Steel Thunder Strikes in “Sixburgh”
Posted by: billabramson on: Fri 6, 2009
Somebody just made Ray Lewis' list.
It looks like our first spotted supervillain has fully made himself known.
Four dead bodies have been found in the backyard of Ray Lewis.* Oddly enough, we don’t even suspect Steel Thunder. I’m still never forgiving him for the Santonio Holmes thing.
However, it’s obvious he paid the refs off Sunday in order to make his name change not a totally ludicrous thing.
Let’s ignore for a second the punches Cardinals offensive and defensive lineman were throwing all night, (the refs sure did) and instead focus on the mistakes Mike Pereira, head of NFL officiating, admitted were made.
Also, we need to be honest for a minute and point out that a lot of those punches were directed at Hines Ward, and we all know he’s a total douchebag and totally deserved all of them.
Little known fact, Hines Ward is actually pronounced “Hans Vard.” It’s true, look it up.**
Pereira admitted that Santonio should’ve been flagged for excessive celebration which would’ve cost Pittsburgh 15 yards on the kickoff. That kind of changes things when you’ve got Larry “My Dads A Journalist” Fitzgerald, Anquan “Angryface” Boldin, and that other guy nobody gives a shit about. Plus, Kurt Warner had God on his side man.*** God. Steel Thunder went against God and won, man.
This just doesn’t sit right with me.
All this just so that Pittsburgh could totally piss me off by renaming itself “Sixburgh.”
Somebody needs to get Ray Lewis’d for that.
At least the ads kicked ass.
* – Yeah, I made this up, so fuck off.
** – This is totally true, you can quote me on it.
*** – Same here man, same here.
Modern Hero News Network Edict #2
Posted by: billabramson on: Fri 6, 2009
Holy shit assholes, post more.
“All writers shall henceforth be required to make at a minimum, one post per week.”
Get to work ass-munchers.
Jay Mariotti Wants You To Know
Posted by: billabramson on: Tue 27, 2009
Mr. Mariotti before devouring a small child in one bite.
that “Roger Ebert, whom I’ve met once, can kiss my ass.”
That’s douchebag Chicago sports psuedo-journalist Jay Mariotti on recovering thyroid and salivary gland cancer patient, Roger Ebert.
Modern Hero of the Week: The Prospector – John Rempel
Posted by: billabramson on: Sat 24, 2009
Every week we here at Modern Hero News Network like to honor just that certain special kind of asshole with a certain special kind of asshole award. This week’s unfortunate contribution to the gene pool is:
Modern Hero of the Week: The Prospector – John Rempel
The Prospector shows off his fearsome battle growl.
This is what happens when you’re Canadian. And not very bright. Plus you’d have to have an entire family full of people who aren’t very bright also.
Long story short, you know those wealthy Nigerian Prince scam e-mails everyone gets and is supposed to ignore?
Yep, meet the one guy who didn’t, and witness the sadface of gloom. We’ve named him The Prospector for his keen eye, and ability to spot a fake only a mere few weeks after they’ve stolen all of his and his family’s money.
Seriously people, anytime wealthy “Prince’s” send you an e-mail from a country you’ve barely heard of, type the country’s name into Google, and at least check to make sure that said country actually has King/Queen/Prince type of government.
Lesson learned: If a “Nigerian prince” sends you a letter, fucking ignore it. However, if it’s a “Nigerian Senator” you’re in the gold my friend, and you best reply post haste.
Now, where’s my money for saving you from wasting an eighth of a milllion dollars? I should get at least half of what you would’ve given to them.
It’s not really my place to dance on someone’s extreme misfortune, but I’m going to anyway.
There’s just some things you can’t blame anyone else other than yourself for. This isn’t completely one of them (what kind of family is willing to give him that kind of cash with that few questions?) but it’s close enough.
Honorable Mention: The Taco Tosser – Zachary Moir
The Taco Tosser shows off the gayest asshole face I've ever seen. And, yes, I still remember Ted Haggard.
This weeks runner up landed himself a few days in jail because of his mommy. A note to my former conquests: If somehow, the fruit of my loins ever takes root and spawns a demon in the model of this one, you have every right to lock them in a cage, so long as the cage is in the basement of your own house, and you institute a series of home “remedies.”
That almost seems harsh until you read what actually happened.
Dena Moir tells Fox 35 News her son, Zachary Moir, got out of control Wednesday night when she was calling him down for dinner. When he refused to stop playing his X-box and come down for dinner, Dena Moir says she went upstairs and unplugged the game….
A few minutes later Dena says she was in the kitchen cleaning and cooking tacos for dinner when Zachary showed up. That’s when she says he slapped her arm and threw a taco in her face. “He went ahead and hit me with the taco and I got taco all over my shirt and kitchen. I’ve threatened to call police before. But anyway this time, I thought he went too far so I called police and he’s in jail now.”
I still say a swift punch to the balls would’ve solved that problem damn quick. Either at the time of the taco toss, or nineteen years earlier to another prick motherfucker (haha, get it?).
I mean, the asshole gene has to come from somewhere, right?
Hey, what are you looking at?
(Bill quickly reaches down to protect his balls.)
Dan Reeves to Continue Rampage Upon NFL Teams
Posted by: billabramson on: Sat 24, 2009
The Reeve's Monster before he destroys all of lower Manhatten.
Though our local webmonkey forgets his place by making a post with actual information in it, his beloved Donkeys have more connections to one of the bigger coaching tidbits from yesterday.
It turns out that their former head coach Dan Reeves wants another shot at the NFL. Which is no different than any other year, except that this year someone’s listening.
Not content with just losing more Superbowls than any other coach in history has ever been to, Reeves wants to bring his offensive prowess back to the NFL through the vacant 49ers Offensive Coordinator position, and yes, Mike Singletary and the 49ers are listening.
What’s the matter Mike, was Marty Schoettenheier busy? Or just unwilling to lower himself back to the position of OC?
If Singletary brings Reeves a Super Bowl through the 49ers, I’ll allow my commentor’s a line in which they can smash ME in the face with a cookie tray.
The Reeves Monster has been spotted destroying multiple cities in which the Superbowl has been held.
If you see the Reeves Monster in your city, don’t panic, just wait it out. He’ll shoot himself in the foot eventually, and then return to the brooding shadows to lie in wait for his next team to curse.
You’ll know the Reeves Monster when you see it, they’re often seen handing the ball off on third and fifteen, and punting on third downs in order to “get the drop on ‘em.”
What We Missed: Week of January 23rd, 2009 Edition
Posted by: Dova on: Fri 23, 2009
- Hahahahahahaha, they want me to believe she’s what? Oh, the Virgin MARY.
For some reason, Chile doesn’t like boobs. Yep, breasticles take center stage again. Fuck you, stop judging me.
On that note, more candidates for marriage make themselves heard.
Some fat Mexican guy invested dumped a lot of money into the New York Times. Good luck getting that money back. Fun fact, it’s apparently still not enough to keep the Times afloat.
I thought a deal was supposed to be a deal? (Many more.) What’s “liquidation” mean again? And more importantly, who’s going to service that HD I just picked up that fell “off the back of a truck” with a fake receipt?
In sports news (meaning 90% DS links), Willis McGahee is still alive. How, we’ll never know, but rest assured, he is still alive.
Although here’s is someone we’re starting to wish wasn’t.
When did burning something into someones lawn take on such negative connotations?
We discover how badly some mascots kick ass, and some that apparently don’t.
And thankfully, the odds for various prop Superbowl bets can now be found online.
In totally awesome news, some British guy beat his 98 MPH speeding ticket by proving that Honda Civics do, in fact, suck the donkey dong.
Oh yeah, and some black dude did something big or something. Still the only thing anyone’s talking about is basketball. Though this certainly doesn’t sound like that “hopey, peacey, changey” goodness he’s come to be known for.
Oh, and Brian Williams did something hilariously racist. Not to be outdone, other talking heads quickly followed.
It’s all good though, most television personalities were totally hammered anyways. Good work if you can find it.
I leave you with an image of Gizmodo’s ultimate gaming machine:
Scott Pioli Puts An End To Hermisms
Posted by: Dova on: Fri 23, 2009
Looks like the lovable bungling idiot thing wears off quick when you’re bad at your job. Who would’ve thought?
After much speculation, and far too many second chances, Herm Edwards has been shitcanned today.
What’s the plan now Scotty?
Apparently, it’s offering the job to “Iron” Mike ShanaTan former coach of the Broncos, also known as team that handed their division to Marmalade and the Chargers after leading it for every week of the season.
It’s looking more and more like he’s going to take the deal (why wouldn’t you want a primed but inefficiently run team that just happens to be in the same division as the last two teams that fired you?). This might actually make the Chiefs contenders again at some near future.
Low first round draft pick which may be swapped with the Lions in order to go after big-arm Stafford, combined with Larry Johnson under an effective zone-blocking run scheme makes their god awful offense look a lot stronger.
Add uber Tight End Tony Gonzales (ShanaTan’s favorite position) and they actually might be scary soon. This neglects his total lack of understanding of defense, but remember, Scott Pioli, the tanned exoskeleten that is the ShanaTan won’t be drafting people, and Pioli’s already got a record of helping to draft/trade for strong defenses….
Combined with the fact that my poor Bunkos new boychild progeny hired his brother to be his OC rather than making an effort to stick with an OC who helped sadface Cutlerfuck to a Pro Bowl selection and one of the highest passer rating in the league despite being down to their 8th starting running back of the season.
Have I mentioned recently that Bowlen was retarded for letting ShanaTan go?
