Modern Hero of the Week: Stalker’s Delight

Every week we here at Modern Hero News Network like to honor just that certain special kind of asshole with a certain special kind of asshole award. This week’s unfortunate contribution to the gene pool is:

Modern Hero of the Week: Stalker’s Delight

Wonderful news for all of us this week! Those of us with relations of the special sort just got a whole lot more peace of mind.

That’s right folks, I’m talking about the new out of Apple about their iPhone’s and iPad’s and they’re totally stalkerish location tracking and storage business. I mean honestly, what could be better for the man who needs to know every single detail about where his significant other just went?

At this point she pretty much keeps her blinds closed, and it’s honestly been hard to get a good look at her through the bushes anyway, so what seems to be working out now is stealing the tracking information and then just figuring out her patterns.

People are so predictable.

Speaking of, there’s a coffee shop I need to take a magazine cut-out message and a box of candies to. Thank you Apple.

Why is Asia so seemingly screwed up?

Thank you Stalker’s Delight.

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I Want

All that ails the art world. In action figure form.

I want.

To blow this up.

With firecrackers.

Anyone else down? I’ll videotape the whole thing to, “Priceless Interpretation Of Jeff Koons Exploded.”

Sounds like a huge seller to me.

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Famed Street Artist “Space Invader” Arrested

They're here, they're here, oh god they're here!

What happens to the city of Los Angeles  when MOCA invites street artists from across the world to participate in what is being billed as the first major U.S.  exhibition on graffiti and street art?

The whole city gets tagged to shit of course.

So can we expect the police to act rationally and accept the fact that some of the most influential artists alive have gathered together in on small place in their humble city to exhibit their work, if only for a short time?

Fuck no, this is L.A. we can expect a harsh overreaction and multiple arrests.

And if we’re lucky, a beating or two.

“The exhibit kind of glorifies graffiti,” said Los Angeles County Sheriff’s Sgt. Augie Pando, who helps oversee the department’s anti-tagging campaign. “It puts taggers on front street.”

Authorities are concerned that the show is drawing taggers who might be wanted on vandalism charges elsewhere, said Jack Richter, an LAPD senior lead officer. Police have been taking photos of the dozens of pieces of graffiti found around the museum, hoping to eventually link them to specific taggers.

Sounds like a great way to treat influential artists to me, as crime suspects. This has extended to one such quite well known name in the street art world, a Frenchman who goes by the moniker Space Invader.

The Los Angeles Police Department believes one of two French nationals detained on suspicion of vandalism near MOCA’s Little Tokyo gallery was the famed street artist known as “Space Invader.”

The pair were detained Friday after authorities reportedly caught them with buckets of grout and pieces of tile near the historic Perez building in Little Tokyo.

Horrific thought indeed, they could’ve potentially glued tiles over things! The abomination!

After their release, the trademark mosaics were discovered attached to several buildings, including the Geffen Contemporary, he added.

Clearly such scare tactics have a tremendous effect upon the human psyche.

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Justice Really IS What A Judge Had For Breakfast

Nothing to see here folks.

And my judge must have had a steaming pile of crap for breakfast.

But I digress, recent studies have delved into the idea of whether a judge’s decision really is determined more by what he at last, or more accurately when he ate last.

Surprise, surprise, it is.

The entire founding notion of the legal realism movement is entirely correct.

Suck it current standing notions of law as God above all!

The graph above is…. the work of Shai Danziger from Ben Gurion University of the Negev, and summarises the results of 1,112 parole board hearings in Israeli prisons, over a ten month period. The vertical axis is the proportion of cases where the judges granted parole. The horizontal axis shows the order in which the cases were heard during the day. And the dotted lines, they represent the points where the judges went away for a morning snack and their lunch break.

Good thing I’m not a criminal. Yet.

Surely there must be some other factor that contributes to this rather than just when they ate, maybe the age or gender, or maybe the severity of the crime?

There are several other ways of explaining this striking pattern but Danziger ruled all of them out. It wasn’t the case that a few individuals skewed the data, for the pattern was consistent across all the judges. The results weren’t due to discrimination, for the judges treated the prisoners equally regardless of their gender, ethnicity or the severity of their crime.

Danziger considered that the judges might have an unconscious “quota” of favourable decisions. After they’ve doled out some positive verdicts, they are compelled to dish out some negative ones for balance. But that wasn’t the case – the likelihood that the judges would grant parole didn’t depend on the proportion of favourable rulings beforehand.

It’s not possible that someone ordered the cases in a special way. The judges know nothing about upcoming cases ahead of time, so they can’t decide to take a break in the knowledge that an easy positive case is coming up. They also have control over when they set their breaks, so prison staff cannot predictably schedule the hearings in order of ease. And Danziger showed that the judges weren’t any more likely to take a break after particularly difficult cases or severe crimes.

The only remaining explanation is one that legal realists have been pushing for years – that judges, even experienced ones, are vulnerable to the same psychological biases as everyone else. They can deliver different rulings in similar cases, under the influence of something as trivial as a food break. Their training, their experience, and the weighty nature of their decisions do not insulate them from the sort of problems that plague our everyday mental abilities (and indeed, this isn’t the first study to demonstrate this).

Well fuck.

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Viagra Struggles To Keep It Up (Sales that is….)

We may not have cured cancer or AIDS, but at least we have a pill to keep old men hard forever.

With the market for pills solving erectile dysfunction set to pass $5 billion this year, smaller drug companies are set to go generic, with their own versions of some of the more popular name brand drugs like Viagra, Levitra, or Cialis.

What does that leave struggling mom and pop conglomerates like Pfizer to do? Market, market, market.

Each of the big three have taken their own steps to fight against generic brands, namely by introducing their drugs to your bloodstream in different ways and for different reasons.

Our personal favorite:

The third drug for erectile dysfunction to reach the market, Cialis, now eight years old, is racing ahead of the others because of two ideas that have proven extremely popular: an everyday pill and a 36-hour “weekender.”

That “weekender” sounds like a good gimmick.

In another 30 or 40 years should any of us ever need such a thing, I think Cialis just won our not-so hard earned money.

“ ‘Gimmick’ is a strong word, but all of this is designed to create new brand identities,” Dr. Joseph P. Alukal, an assistant professor and director of reproductive health at the New York University School of Medicine, said. “A newer product, less expensive, and a new form of taking it — all that might convince more people to try it.”

Soooo…. a gimmick. Sounds right on this end.

As I’m sure you’re all wondering by now, “who are the guinea pigs?” Well you’ll be happy to know that it was foreigners. Dirty stinking foreigners.

Taking our hard earned guinea pig jobs.

The Mexican experiment with Viagra Jet will show whether the chewable form of the drug has promise in other countries, particularly developing markets, Susan O’Connor, Pfizer’s vice president of global commercial development, said in an interview. Studies showed most Mexican men who used Viagra ground it up to make it easier to swallow or in the belief it would start acting faster.

Damn foreigners and their crafty ideas.

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4-20: Pot Party Forgotten Memory Days

I just got an idea for the greatest bong ever.

Woooh happy 4-20! April 20th folks!

Wake and bake! Or whatever.

Potheads are lame. And we don’t condone them unless we know them, and they share. But most of them don’t, so our logic fits.

I could use this space to rant about the unfairness of marijuana laws in comparison to alcohol laws, the amount of deaths caused by each, the science behind the cannabinoid receptors and their health benefits when properly boosted and activated, etc.

But let’s be honest, it doesn’t really matter.

Shit’s going to stay illegal because the only people who care about the issue always seem to have trouble getting their days right.

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All Hail The New God: Napster

This doesn't look at all like a church created by a 19 year old....

In the United States if you do something as a part of your religious sacrament, you cannot, by law, be forced to stop doing that, even if that action is illegal. On every level, even the federal level, this is enforced.

This is how certain Native American tribes are allowed to trip peyote consistently.

For “religious ceremonies.” I say they just wan to trip some good peyote myself.

In come 19 year old Isaac Gerson and his new church, the Missionary Kopimistsamfundet – The Missionary Church of Kopimism, they worship in their own unique way as well. One familiar to many teenagers of today (as well as some of the craftier adults), they share and download illegal information. Movies, games, music, books, and anything else they can get their grubby little mits on.

They’re information pirates. And piracy is bad.

But not if you start a religion based on it.

For those thinking this is some kind of late April Fool’s joke, think again.

In late 2010 the church applied to the authorities to be accepted as an official religion. That application was denied at the end of March on the basis that although the church is indeed a community, its meetings did not constitute ‘worship’. Undeterred, the church founders have requested a meeting to find out what is required in order to gain official acceptance. They certainly aren’t giving in.

“Throughout history, various groups around the world have been persecuted by oppressors. They have since taken refuge in religion with a desire for a peaceful coexistence. Without threats and harassment,” the church explain.

“In our belief, communication is sacred. Communication needs to be respected. It is a direct sin to monitor and eavesdrop on people. Absolute secrecy is holy in the Church of Kopimism.”

The church has its own set of axioms, most of which revolve around free access to knowledge and the sharing of information. They include:

# Reproduction of information is ethically right.
# The flow of information is ethically right.
# Remix Spirit is a sacred kind of copying.
# Copying or remixing information conveyed by another person is an act of respect.

The church is also acutely against DRM and other methods of protecting or hiding code.

“To appropriate software (to keep source code hidden from others), is comparable to slavery, and should be banned,” they declare.

Perhaps predictably the church use the ‘Kopimi’ logo (a pyramid with the letter K inside) as their official symbol and hold CTRL+C and CTRL+V as sacred.

Joining the church seems fairly easy too. All you have to do is agree that everything should be copied and information should be free in line with the axioms above, then load the church’s website so that the ‘kopimi’ logo refreshes (or indeed draw it, or copy it in any way) and you’re in. Potential followers can request more information by using the online form here.

Sound worse than the Christians to me.

I say burn them all at the stake and let the pagans rule the day, but what do I know.

Not a whole lot apparently.

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Budget Deal Cuts $352 Million, Not $38 Billion

The one thing in the world that must be run exactly the same way every Americans personal expense account is.

Finally, finally, finally!

We have a government in place to hold tight fiscal policies and bring an end to the spend happy days of yore where government employees were given free reign to make it rain in strip clubs across the country, all at the taxpayers messy expense.

No more, say the American people.

Thank God those days are gone and that the Republicans are bringing an end to our spend happy ways, and bring about the second revival or proper conservative budgeting with no disingenuous extension of the facts in any way whatsoever.

The Congressional Budget Office estimate shows that compared with current spending rates the spending bill due for a House vote Thursday would cut federal outlays from non-war accounts by just $352 million through Sept. 30. About $8 billion in immediate cuts to domestic programs and foreign aid are offset by nearly equal increases in defense spending.

When war funding is factored in the legislation would actually increase total federal outlays by $3.3 billion relative to current levels.


In all fairness, this IS primarily because the incoming flock of Republicans doesn’t understand how finance works.

To a fair degree, the lack of immediate budget-cutting punch is because the budget year is more than half over and that cuts in new spending authority typically are slow to register on deficit tallies. And Republicans promise that when fully implemented and repeated year after year, the cuts in the measure would reduce the deficit by $315 billion over the coming decade….

….But CBO does credit a move to eliminate year-round Pell Grants with generating more than $40 billion in deficit reduction over the coming decade from both mandatory and appropriated accounts, though just slightly less than $1 billion this year.

Comforting isn’t it? The current financial and political leaders of America themselves don’t understand how the current budget they’re gung-ho on cutting even works.

Thank God we’ve managed to cut into the federal deficit by screwing poor children out of a chance to go to college.

America. Home of “at least it wasn’t me.”

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What To Vomit Tonight: Mexican Microbrews

From the LA Times:

It sounds like a movie where high jinks ensue: A teetotaling Mexican hotel worker travels to England, befriends a whisky-drinking Irishman and scrubs toilets in a pub while learning to brew killer beer.

Such is the odd path Jose Morales has taken since a sweltering day five years ago when he found himself wondering how to make a beverage he doesn’t even drink. The daydreaming has led Morales, then a hotel warehouse manager, to an unlikely new calling as a beer maker.

Morales, 36, is among a burst of Mexican brewers who are testing recipes and investing in imported equipment in hopes of finding the same formula for success that microbreweries north of the border have found.

Mostly self-taught, the Mexican brewers have launched an array of offerings, from Belgian-style wheat beers and imperial stouts to an ale aged in tequila barrels.

I’m sold.

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Dusty Baker Continues To Kill Pitcher’s Future

A record breaking 105 MPH fastball AND a left handed pitcher, this man is a god.

The lights gleamed brightly in his eyes. Sweat dripped slowly down his brow.

Aroldis Chapman took a deep breath, and then hesitated. He pulled back and then unleashed his strongest fastball, pouring every ounce of his strength into it.

93 MPH. Ball.

He pulled back again and unleashed another fireball. 92, strike.

This may not seem that bad for most pitchers. 92 MPH, by any stretch is still a pretty good fastball, and with the wicked movement his burners contain, it’s still a rough ball to hit.

But not being able to break 94 is a long way from where wicked hurler demi-god Aroldis Chapman is used to.

The average fastball in baseball is 89 MPH. Aroldis Chapman fastball had averaged around 101 mph until his last two games.

What does genius pitching manager Dusty “Mark Prior’s Blood” Baker do with his premiere bullpen arm when he notices him struggling to get above 100 two games in a row? Rest him? Fuck that.

Dusty Baker trots him out to the mound for two more games so he can shake the cobwebs off.

Clearly his problem is that he’s throwing too much.

For the life of me, I can’t understand why people still give Dusty Baker a job.

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