Let me first start of by saying hello to our lovely reader. Hello out there. It’s nice to see that you do in fact sort of exist.
My name is John M. Keller, billionaire industrialist and inventor of the multi-million dollar Trap Collection, a small pocket you attach to the back of trapper keepers that comes in seven distinct colors! And since every child in America still uses trapper keepers, this obviously lucrative industry keeps me swimming in sex toys and beautiful women use them with. Err, on.
What is such a successful person doing on the internet you ask?
Fuck if I know. Wasting time I guess.
Well, let’s get started.
Bulletproof Bernie Madoff showed up to court today wearing a Kevlar vest. Despite the millions of dollars in jewelry mailed to his relatives in an obvious attempt to avoid having the government take it from him, he won’t be going to jail, thus truly earning his awesome new nickname, at least for now.
I presume we’ll see Bulletproof Bernie in a few months after having slain a nun and bathed in the blood of orphan children.
He’ll likely serve 40 hours community service for the murders and all assassination attempts from the Pope will only be thwarted when the bullets ricochet off the thick layer of slime spewed from his lawyer’s mouth.