Exclusive Interview with Joe Flacco’s Unibrow of Doom

The Unibrow prepares its pet for the upcoming AFC Championship game.

The Unibrow prepares it's pet for the upcoming AFC Championship game.

Joe Flacco is in one word “unflappable.”

In more than one word, he’s the unshakeable, cool cat quarterback for the Baltimore Ravens with a heart of gold, and a unibrow of doom.

We recently sat down with the only QB to make it through two playoff games without fucking up the lead his defense and running game gave him.

And then he popped the little fellow off from between his eyes and we got to the pulp of what we came for.

A one-on-one with the unflappable ones unflappable Unibrow of Doom. Of course, being the sly bastard that he is, Flacco wrote it into the contract that we only got to ask three questions.

We really should read the damned things, but eh, fuck it. That’s why we hired lawyers. Or at least, that’s why we hired that guy we found standing around a trashcan fire last winter. The one we didn’t eat, I think.

Modern Hero: Hello Mr. Brow, thank you for taking the time to sit down and talk to us, let’s get started with a question I’m sure you’re hearing Joe get asked a lot these days, is Joe ready to take on the Pittsburgh Steelers in the AFC Championship?

Unibrow of Doom: Well fuck yeah son, wouldn’t be here if we didn’t. Joe says all this shit about how it’s the “practice” and “trainin'” that keep him calm under pressure.

Fuck that shit, practice ain’t meanin’ shit, it was me, all this brotha right here, a’ight son?

(Imagine our surprise at learning that the Unibrow was not only more of a shit-talker than Joe, but also noticeably more ghetto.)

MH: ….OK. Next question, the Ravens have faced the Steelers twice already this year, what makes you think that they’ll actually, uhm…. win?

UoD: Fuck man, those punk muthfucka’ ref’s keep tryin’ to take away my thunder.

Plus that bitch Roethlishamburger is only a knock or two away from forgetting his name.

MH: And what about the fact that they have statistically the better defense?

UoD: We got muthafuckin’ Ray Lewis. Do the gayboy Steelers have Ray muthafuckin’ the man Lewis?

Answer me son, do the gayboy Steelers have Ray muthafuckin’ the man Lewis?

MH: No, they don’t-

UoD: That’s right they don’t have Ray muthafuckin’ the man Lewis.

Ray Lewis once shot a man, just to watch him die. Well…. thats not true, the brotha was owed some money.

MH: Well, that’s three, can I get drunk now?

(Editor shakes his head and shouts “No.” from another room).

MH: Fuck you.

UoD: Yo, is that Jager?

MH: That’s all the time we have for now assholes, a special thanks to Joe Flacco for letting us spend some time with his furry friend.

UoD: Representin’, Ravens in da house!


Modern Hero News Network signing out.

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