Who Is Mercury Man?

Mercury Man taking advice from his highest advisor.

Mercury Man taking advice from his highest advisor.

As many have already heard, Jeremy Piven was forced to cancel a Broadway appearance in the David Mamet Production Speed the Plow because his taste for sushi left him with “amazingly, shockingly high” levels of mercury.

The star was, however, fresh faced, and healthy enough to make an appearance on The Today Show, which left many to conclude either one of two things. Either Jeremy Piven is a lying sack of shit who likes to snort cocaine and stay out all night with loose women in much the same manner as just about every character he’s ever played, “allegedly,” or that Jeremy Piven has an amazing tolerance for mercury the likes of which have never been seen before by man.

(Yep, that’s right, I’m completely ignoring the possibility of him being honest on this one.)

I’d like to believe it’s somewhere in between, and that in reality Jeremy Piven’s exposure to mercury turned him into Mercury Man, a superhero with a heart of gold.

Mercury Man’s superpower is the ability to turn heaps of cash into an annoying asshole through his primary aide, the nose candy. His second superpower is the ability to attract loose herpes infected women into his bed. Through his secondary aide, white lines. His third superpower is the ability to make a fortune disappear. Just wait a few years, trust me, of course this one comes with the help of his third aide, Columbian gold.

“Allegedly.”

At least, I’d like to think that all of this makes him a superhero in my book. And really, that’s all matters.

Editorial Note: I don’t feel good about this one at all, way too easy.

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