Modern Hero of the Week: The Prospector – John Rempel

Every week we here at Modern Hero News Network like to honor just that certain special kind of asshole with a certain special kind of asshole award. This week’s unfortunate contribution to the gene pool is:

Modern Hero of the Week: The Prospector – John Rempel

The Prospector shows off his fearsome battle face.

The Prospector shows off his fearsome battle growl.

This is what happens when you’re Canadian. And not very bright. Plus you’d have to have an entire family full of people who aren’t very bright also.

Long story short, you know those wealthy Nigerian Prince scam e-mails everyone gets and is supposed to ignore?

Yep, meet the one guy who didn’t, and witness the sadface of gloom. We’ve named him The Prospector for his keen eye, and ability to spot a fake only a mere few weeks after they’ve stolen all of his and his family’s money.

Seriously people, anytime wealthy “Prince’s” send you an e-mail from a country you’ve barely heard of, type the country’s name into Google, and at least check to make sure that said country actually has King/Queen/Prince type of government.

Lesson learned: If a “Nigerian prince” sends you a letter, fucking ignore it. However, if it’s a “Nigerian Senator” you’re in the gold my friend, and you best reply post haste.

Now, where’s my money for saving you from wasting an eighth of a milllion dollars? I should get at least half of what you would’ve given to them.

It’s not really my place to dance on someone’s extreme misfortune, but I’m going to anyway.

There’s just some things you can’t blame anyone else other than yourself for. This isn’t completely one of them (what kind of family is willing to give him that kind of cash with that few questions?) but it’s close enough.

Honorable Mention: The Taco Tosser – Zachary Moir

The Taco Tosser shows off the gayest asshole face I've ever seen. And, yes, I still remember Ted Haggard.

This weeks runner up landed himself a few days in jail because of his mommy. A note to my former conquests: If somehow, the fruit of my loins ever takes root and spawns a demon in the model of this one, you have every right to lock them in a cage, so long as the cage is in the basement of your own house, and you institute a series of home “remedies.”

That almost seems harsh until you read what actually happened.

Dena Moir tells Fox 35 News her son, Zachary Moir, got out of control Wednesday night when she was calling him down for dinner. When he refused to stop playing his X-box and come down for dinner, Dena Moir says she went upstairs and unplugged the game….

A few minutes later Dena says she was in the kitchen cleaning and cooking tacos for dinner when Zachary showed up. That’s when she says he slapped her arm and threw a taco in her face. “He went ahead and hit me with the taco and I got taco all over my shirt and kitchen. I’ve threatened to call police before. But anyway this time, I thought he went too far so I called police and he’s in jail now.”

I still say a swift punch to the balls would’ve solved that problem damn quick. Either at the time of the taco toss, or nineteen years earlier to another prick motherfucker (haha, get it?).

I mean, the asshole gene has to come from somewhere, right?

Hey, what are you looking at?

(Bill quickly reaches down to protect his balls.)

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