Modern Hero of the Week: Glorious Leader – Joe Arpaio

Every week we here at Modern Hero News Network like to honor just that certain special kind of asshole with a certain special kind of asshole award. This week’s unfortunate contribution to the gene pool is:

Modern Hero of the Week: Glorious Leader – Joe Arpaio

There were an awful lot of candidates for our first Modern Hero since our return from our extended vacation, but one of them quickly burst down the fence and then ravaged our hearts.

My dealer needs to up his game.

Bulldozin' it's way into our hearts.

It’s not often that a sheriff in a do nothing county in Arizona decides he needs to bust some drug dealing asses despite federal pleadings to the reverse and with a lack of funding, but batshit crazy Sheriff Joe Arpaio decided he needed a tank.

Joe Arpaio also decided he needed Steven Seagal to command that tank.

And what, do you ask, do you send Steven Seagal and a tank to do? Kill a druglord and his subordinates and a blaze of glory? Annihilate a terrorist training ground? Blow up the Chrysler building?


Neighbor Debra Ross was so worried she called 911 and went outside where a nearby home had its windows blown out, was crawling with dozens of SWAT members in full gear, armored vehicles and a bomb robot.

“When the tank came in and pushed the wall over and you see what’s in there, and all it is, is a bunch of chickens,” Ross said.

In a massive show of force on Monday, the Maricopa County Sheriff’s Office executed a search warrant and arrested the homeowner, Jesus Llovera, on charges of suspected cockfighting….

….Thousands of dollars in damages were made to the property.



Not only do you waste an enormous amount of public funds on an inefficient, extravagent, overly destructive method of catching them, namely a tank, but you use said tank to promote Steven Segal’s show Lawman (Season 3 available on A&E Fall 2011) and bust up the worlds least dangerous chicken ring on the planet. I mean, come on, only 115 birds? Fucking amatuers.

Any ring I’ve bet money in has a stable of 500 on hand, standard. 50 of them are going to starve before they get to the ring anyway, so…. yeah, it’s just a numbers thing.

Wait, what are you looking at? You’re not leaving, are you?

At least we can all take comfort in the fact that the birds were rescued from such a horrible environment and will live long and productive lives.

115 birds were euthanized on the spot.

Well, fuck.

Honorable Mentions:

Mo’ Money Roger Goodell: For pushing the NFL all but into a strike all just so that whiny owners can screw their fans and their stable of healthy ball playing animals out of every dime that they can.

Terrible Tot Charlie Sheen: But Charlie Sheen jokes are so overdone.

And finally, this guy:

Okay, maybe that was harsh. It's fit more for the alley out back of a strip club.

A face fit for the grill of a bus.

Nicknamed “Shovelhead” for making a quilt made entirely out panties. Enjoy!

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