Millionaire Moan Fest Extravaganza!

On a lighter note, the candy dish in his office is always stocked.

Commissioner Stern stealing candy from orphans.

Fresh on the heels of the NFL lockout and probably millionaire whinegasm and strike comes the news that Commissioner Stern and his billionaire owner minions have decided to dictate the terms of the new CBA. And those rules are a hard salary cap.

Why would the owners want to put a hard cap on the amount of money they’re spending out to their millionaire pets?

Oh, nevermind.

Why would the players want to keep guaranteed money, and expand the amount of money they’re going to get on any given year whether they play or are injured or traded or not?

Oh, nevermind.

Thank god the world is balanced in such a way that not only do millionaires get to complain to billionaires about not getting enough money, but that it get’s to be broadcast on television, print, radio, and the internet.

I wonder if there’s some way to tattoo the image of a crying player’s representative onto the back of my retina. Might save them some effort.

What’s really fun is trying to figure out why the man who created the superstar driven NBA league has suddenly decided to destroy it.

Oh yeah, that whole Lebron thing.

Well, it’s not like the Cavaliers are among the worst teams in the NBA just because he bailed on them for the strip clubs in Miami and a superstar ridden team which will likely fight for contention year in and year out…. Oh…. Nevermind.

Well I guess that means the real question is how to get yourself a sweet piece of that billionaire pie.

Here at MHN we’ve devised four methods for you:

1. Be born to an athletically gifted family, preferably with gigantism genes. Be male. Preferably in the South*. Then get a college scholarship playing a sport you know virtually nothing about, planning to be hand held the entire way by the coach, who if you choose correctly will also find you strippers and “proper” drug test labs. Become number 1 overall draft pick in any professional sport.

Whine mercilessly.

2. Develop cloaking technology. Steal money from Commissioner Stern. Leave behind picture of penis in vault.

3. Be born into an extraordinarily rich family. Use family inheritance to purchase professional sports team.

Whine mercilessly.

4. Invent unique slingshot like device to launch debris across sports stadium into your own eye.

Whine mercilessly.

* Offer also valid in American Samoa or for giants born in Eastern Europe.

You’re welcome.

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