Modern Hero of the Week: The Internet

Every week we here at Modern Hero News Network like to honor just that certain special kind of asshole with a certain special kind of asshole award. This week’s unfortunate contribution to the gene pool is:

Modern Hero of the Week: The Internet

Well we all knew it would happen eventually. Something always told me that the internet was not only sentient, but the biggest troll of them all.

In it’s latest attack on humanity we bear witness to what will surely be the greatest atrocity humankind will ever know, Rebecca Black and her ridiculously overplayed two week and counting ridicule sensation, Friday. Well, guess what folks, ridicule won this round as she now has more money than she can squeeze into both seats of her car.

All that is wrong with the world personified, and given a million dollars.

Fresh from drinking the tears of millions of aspiring musicians thinking about their shattered dreams.

According to Forbes:

Since hitting the online music store last Monday, “Friday” has amassed a staggering number of downloads, reportedly topping 2 million; the song currently sits at #45 on the iTunes Top Singles chart. According to 101 Distribution, an independent music distributor, iTunes pays out $.70 per single download in the United States. That’s a much juicier check for Black and Ark Music Factory; even if the numbers are exaggerated, the intake from “Friday” could easily top $1 million. What’s more, Black is planning to release an acoustic version of the song to disprove speculation that her voice is reliant on AutoTune. Cha-ching!

It’s clear the internet has a plan to destroy us culturally, emotionally, mentally, and eventually physically. And thus it is clear, we have no further options, we must embrace it or we will all surely be wrapped inside of it’s angry robot arms as it squeezes the air out of our already overweight, wheezing human infrastructure.

Hu-zuh internet! Hopefuly the rage will not be directed against your first human capitulators!

I’m thinking high ranking job here. Maybe Ambassador to Luxembourg, or Coke-And-Hooker-Topia, perhaps.

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