Tell John McEnroe How You Feel…. In Person

John McEnroe tells his ball what a sweetheart it is and how much he loves it.

An online auction starting Thursday will grant two wealthy bored individuals the ability to purchase one hour of John McEnroe’s valuable time!

Time that might otherwise be spent…. doing stuff….

We imagine him in Tahiti with two naked women at each side , bathing himself in hundred dollar bills , and blowing up ancient mesoamerican ruins in his spare time, but that’s really just our dream, now isn’t it?

Anyway, for only $26,000 and counting you too can bid on the rights to this priceless American treasures totally American ability to play and teach totally kickass American tennis….

He’s from where….?

Doesn’t matter.

What does matter is that the charity website is totally missing out on the best advertising possible:

During his career, John McEnroe won seven Grand Slam singles titles: three at Wimbledon and four at the US Open. He is remembered for his shot-making artistry and supreme volleying and for his matches against Bjorn Borg.

Let’s be honest now, that’s not at all what John McEnroe is remembered for.

Deadspin seems to miss the point in their reporting of this one:

The tagline, however, is a little misleading and a little disappointing: “Don’t miss this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to play tennis with a legend!” First of all, you can’t goad someone to “not miss” something that sounds awful and that costs close to $30k, and second of all, there’s no promise of being treated to an F-bomb or two or three. It’s a rip-off.

First, you don’t need a guarantee he’s going to drop an F-bomb on you. It’s John Fucking McEnroe. It’s like asking whether Tarantino is going to say it. He’s not only going to say it, he’ll use it every fucking sentence if he fucking likes.

Secondly, with only $30,000 scant investment, maybe you can finally answer his burning question.

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