Modern Hero of the Week: The Elephant Man

Every week we here at Modern Hero News Network like to honor just that certain special kind of asshole with a certain special kind of asshole award. This week’s unfortunate contribution to the gene pool is:

Modern Hero of the Week: The Elephant Man

In a world where the alternative editor of a conglomerate insano news agency such as ours can commit himself overnight, there are few men who still seem sane in an otherwise insane world.

Enter this guy:

Noted sleaze artist CEO Bob Parsons poses next to the tiniest thing he'll ever see in his bed.

CEO Bob Parsons is the sanest man in America. Banking his money behind noted sex icons as…. (Danica Patrick?) he has founded an empire based on cheap web servers with the ability to flood Google rankings with SEO links back to themselves, thus boosting their Google listing.

If that isn’t enough to make you want to sign up with him right now, the man is also noted for his companies relentless ad campaigns featuring no small amount of misogyny and sexism.

Still holding out?

Well that picture above isn’t Mr. and Mrs. Parsons as some of you may have guessed. That is Mr. Parsons posing next to the corpse of the “rampaging” elephant that HE HIMSELF SHOT. He then allowed neighboring villagers to ransack the corpse for meat.

What a charitable guy. He’s like Superman.

With a gun. And shooting elephants.

Thank God Mr. Parsons happened to be in this village at just the right time to find the elephant that had been pestering the poor villagers to use. Nothing placates minorities more than a good white male savior of the universe like Bob here.

If that wasn’t enough of a global interwebs publicity spark in it’s own right, Mr. Bob wasn’t prone to leave anything like that to chance, so he released a video of the whole event on the internet, to, in his words, show Americans “what happens over there.”

Thank you Bob man. Thank you for your magical gun.

And your dream.

The morning after Parsons kills the elephant, he videotapes hungry Zimbabweans as they field dress the bull in a frantic quest for food. “These people have literally nothing and when an elephant is killed it’s a big event for them,” says Parsons. “They are going to be able to eat some protein. This is no different than you or I eating beef.”

But many viewers have been offended by the video. Maybe it’s the way AC/DC’s “Hells Bells” kicks in as the villagers slash the carcass. Maybe it’s the shameless branding—as one lingering close-up makes clear, several of the famished Zimbabwean villagers are wearing GoDaddy baseball caps. At any rate, comments on Parsons’ GoDaddy video channel, where he initially posted this video, have been almost universally negative in tone—”I don’t know what’s worse: you murdering a defenseless and endangered animal or thinking it’s cool to brag and post a video about it”—and many people say they’re going to boycott GoDaddy, a web hosting company.

And for that, we are going to move ourselves TO web hosting.

If you’d like to join the boycott, more information can be found here.

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