Budget Deal Cuts $352 Million, Not $38 Billion

The one thing in the world that must be run exactly the same way every Americans personal expense account is.

Finally, finally, finally!

We have a government in place to hold tight fiscal policies and bring an end to the spend happy days of yore where government employees were given free reign to make it rain in strip clubs across the country, all at the taxpayers messy expense.

No more, say the American people.

Thank God those days are gone and that the Republicans are bringing an end to our spend happy ways, and bring about the second revival or proper conservative budgeting with no disingenuous extension of the facts in any way whatsoever.

The Congressional Budget Office estimate shows that compared with current spending rates the spending bill due for a House vote Thursday would cut federal outlays from non-war accounts by just $352 million through Sept. 30. About $8 billion in immediate cuts to domestic programs and foreign aid are offset by nearly equal increases in defense spending.

When war funding is factored in the legislation would actually increase total federal outlays by $3.3 billion relative to current levels.

Fuck.

In all fairness, this IS primarily because the incoming flock of Republicans doesn’t understand how finance works.

To a fair degree, the lack of immediate budget-cutting punch is because the budget year is more than half over and that cuts in new spending authority typically are slow to register on deficit tallies. And Republicans promise that when fully implemented and repeated year after year, the cuts in the measure would reduce the deficit by $315 billion over the coming decade….

….But CBO does credit a move to eliminate year-round Pell Grants with generating more than $40 billion in deficit reduction over the coming decade from both mandatory and appropriated accounts, though just slightly less than $1 billion this year.

Comforting isn’t it? The current financial and political leaders of America themselves don’t understand how the current budget they’re gung-ho on cutting even works.

Thank God we’ve managed to cut into the federal deficit by screwing poor children out of a chance to go to college.

America. Home of “at least it wasn’t me.”

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What To Vomit Tonight: Mexican Microbrews

From the LA Times:

It sounds like a movie where high jinks ensue: A teetotaling Mexican hotel worker travels to England, befriends a whisky-drinking Irishman and scrubs toilets in a pub while learning to brew killer beer.

Such is the odd path Jose Morales has taken since a sweltering day five years ago when he found himself wondering how to make a beverage he doesn’t even drink. The daydreaming has led Morales, then a hotel warehouse manager, to an unlikely new calling as a beer maker.

Morales, 36, is among a burst of Mexican brewers who are testing recipes and investing in imported equipment in hopes of finding the same formula for success that microbreweries north of the border have found.

Mostly self-taught, the Mexican brewers have launched an array of offerings, from Belgian-style wheat beers and imperial stouts to an ale aged in tequila barrels.

I’m sold.

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Dusty Baker Continues To Kill Pitcher’s Future

A record breaking 105 MPH fastball AND a left handed pitcher, this man is a god.

The lights gleamed brightly in his eyes. Sweat dripped slowly down his brow.

Aroldis Chapman took a deep breath, and then hesitated. He pulled back and then unleashed his strongest fastball, pouring every ounce of his strength into it.

93 MPH. Ball.

He pulled back again and unleashed another fireball. 92, strike.

This may not seem that bad for most pitchers. 92 MPH, by any stretch is still a pretty good fastball, and with the wicked movement his burners contain, it’s still a rough ball to hit.

But not being able to break 94 is a long way from where wicked hurler demi-god Aroldis Chapman is used to.

The average fastball in baseball is 89 MPH. Aroldis Chapman fastball had averaged around 101 mph until his last two games.

What does genius pitching manager Dusty “Mark Prior’s Blood” Baker do with his premiere bullpen arm when he notices him struggling to get above 100 two games in a row? Rest him? Fuck that.

Dusty Baker trots him out to the mound for two more games so he can shake the cobwebs off.

Clearly his problem is that he’s throwing too much.

For the life of me, I can’t understand why people still give Dusty Baker a job.

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Lionfish: It’s What’s For Dinner

Boys, meet the enemy.

I didn’t know that being a good environmentalist sometimes meant eating tasty threats to the environment of other native species. In fact, I may have to rethink the whole sham after all.

Take for example, the lionfish. Not an appetizing thing by itself, but cut the prickly parts off and sautee it in a half pound of butter and voila!

Tasty butterfish!

Lionfish may have possibly been released into the Florida Keys area during Hurricane Andrew when a local marina broke open and let several out to sea. Or it may not have.

Either way, what we do know is that they are a nuisance. And they’re tasty. Oh, and this:

In its native waters of the South Pacific and Indian Ocean, the lionfish lives in a benign balance with the rest of the food chain. But in the Atlantic and Caribbean, where it has been proliferating madly since the early 1990s, the lionfish has no controlling predators. Not even goliath groupers or sharks have developed a taste for them. A lionfish can begin reproducing in the first year of its life and can spawn more than 2 million eggs a year. From birth, the lionfish eats ravenously, its diet made up of the juveniles of key species that help maintain and promote the equilibrium of the reef—snapper, hogfish, parrotfish, banded coral shrimp…. researchers estimate that one-quarter of the fish would have to be killed each month to slow their growth.

It looks like we’ve all got some cookin- err, work to do.

Get to it.

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Dead Dolphins Not A Topic For Dinner

These dolphins do not appear to be dead.

Mississippi and Georgia shorelines are being covered in something new. No, not water. No, not still oil.

The truth is far more unsettling, dead dolphins, many of whom are still born infants, have been washing up on shore in record numbers. Prompting many scientists to search for an explanation, and many to look towards the millions of oil that disappeared into the ocean last year due to chemical dispersants and then after that for a reason which no man has yet been able to say.

Good news is, we found that missing oil. Bad news is everything else.

The Obama administration has issued a gag order on data over the recent spike of dead dolphins, including many stillborn infants, washing up on Mississippi and Alabama shorelines, and scientists say the restriction undermines the scientific process.

An abnormal dolphin mortality this year along the Gulf coast has become part of a federal criminal investigation over last year’s BP oil spill disaster and as a result, has led the US government to clamp down on biologists’ findings, with orders to keep the results confidential.
Because that’s the healthy way to the deal with the situation.
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Modern Hero of the Week: The Gas God

Every week we here at Modern Hero News Network like to honor just that certain special kind of asshole with a certain special kind of asshole award. This week’s unfortunate contribution to the gene pool is:

Modern Hero of the Week: The Gas God

Gas sucks. We all know it.

So does driving.

But not all of us have the standing in our society to do something about absurdly high gas prices or have a chauffeur to ignore it entirely.

That’s not Georgia Beacon of Ligh Pastor Marshall Mabry, he has a connection to God. And what, do you ask, is a man with an intensely special connection with the divine do with that connection? Pray for world peace? Too sissy.

Pray for politicians who work for the greater good rather than their own good? Too unrealistic.  Pray for lower taxes? Close, but not quite it.

Pray for cheaper gas!? Bingo!

Pastor Marshall Mabry believes that if the community can come together as one and pray for cheaper gas, than anything is possible. If those same people came together and decided to do away with their cars for a week…. Well, we all know that can’t happen.

Where do you hold such a prayer session, in a church? Of course not.

He said it’s the third time members of his congregation have met at gas pumps to pray.

Mabry said he wants to start a movement which spreads from the small town of Dublin to the rest of the nation.

You heard him folks, anything less than the complete inability to actually pay for gas due to all the prayer groups for cheaper gas will be considered a full scale failure.

That’s right, we want cheaper gas, and we’re willing to make gas more expensive to do it.

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Professor Fired For Adding Strippers To Curriculum

I would've gone to college had it been more like this.

La Salle University moved swiftly to suspend a professor when it was discovered he had actually made it interesting to go to class.

In what is considered a most egregious error in the modern school system, a professor thought outside the box in trying to reach his students. Apparently La Salle University would want only the merits of such a topic as “statistics” to shine through without any embellishment or edutainment.

Jack Rappaport, professor of statistics at the business school, was teaching an extra credit seminar at a satellite campus on the application of Platonic and Hegelian ethics to business.

What can go wrong, you ask?

Two anonymously quoted students told Philadelphia City Paper that women dressed in bikinis or miniskirts were on hand from the start of the session, which included about 30 students.

Throughout the lecture, the women gave lap dances to Rappaport and willing students – who had each paid $150 to attend the class on “the application of Platonic and Hegelian ethics to business,” the paper reported.

One fifty to attend a class on Plato and Georg Wilhelm Friedrich Hegel and ogle strippers? I’m sold.

On the website RateMyProfessors.com, students described him as everything from “great instructor” to an “easy A,” with one student remarking in a review from 2004:

“Extremely strange man. Loves gambling, horse racing, and strip joints. Talks about all of the above all the time.”

In addition to his teaching load, Rappaport also served on the university’s committee on academic integrity.

God bless America.

Two

anonymously quoted students told Philadelphia City Paper that women dressed in bikinis or miniskirts were on hand from the start of the session, which included about 30 students.

Throughout the lecture, the women gave lap dances to Rappaport and willing students – who had each paid $150 to attend the class on “the application of Platonic and Hegelian ethics to business,” the paper reported.

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